Creating in Chaos
by Kathy Berklund-Pagé
Three weeks into the process of preparing our home to go on the market, we live in chaos as larger repairs eclipse the small upgrades we had planned. Exhaust fans and banisters are no longer up to code. Accessing bathroom lights required removing a kitchen cabinet. When my husband checked a pipe behind the toilet, it burst, spewing water in all directions.
Part of me—the purely rational, objective part—can laugh, but I’m also aware of a growing franticness. As I poke about in the feeling, I find that house frustrations are only the top layer. A tangled jumble of fears and worries lie beneath. The unknowness of where we will live and work next . . . the teenaged children I must set free to choose their own paths . . . the realization that I no longer hear the characters in my novel talking to each other, or to me. Have they moved away, feeling neglected and offended? Or are they still there, their words lost in the cacophony of other voices shrieking for my attention?
In both my novel and my real life, I find myself increasingly tight and retreated, with a deep desire to control events and people. Where is the oasis the core of my being needs for passion, love, and imagination, to be released? I ache for something, someone bigger than me, to be bedrock for my heart to rest on.
I could go to God. But if I do, will I find my creator to be enough?
February 15th, 2008 at 1:14 am
Kathy, the Lord God is all sufficient. He is the air you breath, the water you drink and the food you eat. Do you recall the first laughter you heard from your new infant child? That was God. The warm embrace of a friend when you needed it most, and the exciting laugher of your family on an outing together. In all those experiences God was there. He is God. He is Love. He is much more than enough. I the crazy hurried world we live in, God is still patient. He is not worried, anxious, concerned, or frustrated. He is Love, and love, unlike our typical human character, is constant. Be encouraged!
February 19th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Hi Larry. Theologically, intellectually, I would agree with you. But over the years I’ve discovered that those are not enough. I need to allow myself to feel the questions that are truly there. I need to go to the bottom and touch them. Admit and put words to what I find. That’s where I’ve been the last while — having knock-down, no-holds-barred fights with God. I won’t be there forever, but that’s where I am and was especially when I wrote that article. They are fights that change nothing whatsoever of my circumstances, but change absolutely everything nonetheless.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:39 pm
I am right there with you, sister. It may not change circumstances but suddenly things long settled in my soul pop up from places that I thought were well known and understood. With the light of new circumstances they don’t look quite so settled or understood. It isn’t that my soul questions the absolute always goodness of God but I question my own choices and path in ways that surprise me.
Even the preparations of getting ready to sell a house bring to the surface old memories and stories that have become the distant past too quickly. It is hard to stay in a place of joy when the mundane is sucking you dry. Feeling that way yesterday I joined 3 sisters who read the Bible with me occasionally. I was crabby and didn’t want to be there. They carried me by their prayers for me including a prayer that I would “find joy today”. Not feeling too joyful I pulled on my coat and stuck my hand in the pocket. Hmmm - rather damp. Double hmm - smells like dog pee. The hostess’s adorable but elderly pup had found the perfect spot - my coat laid on the floor behind the sofa. She was appalled but I couldn’t stop laughing - when just seconds before I was sure I would never laugh again. That laughter lightened my spirit and I felt joy.
Today I am still feeling a heavy load but I think back to that prayer - and my hand in that pocket - and know God can surprise me with joy in least expected ways.